living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
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So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Webb. James Webb.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no