No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
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2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt