I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
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Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.