Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”