Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
tell em, edith-anne
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin