i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Is this a threat?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.