an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol