Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
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Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong