Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
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Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.