Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera