I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.