[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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Why I divorced her.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”