I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”