10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
You Might Also Like
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Good boy 😂😂
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom