Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
You Might Also Like
kids play hide and seek like
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.