Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?