One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I think this should do it.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Schrödinger’s cookie
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Cinematography is my passion
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.