ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring