[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.