I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
You Might Also Like
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
That time Alicia messaged me
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.