[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Ferrari squats
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)