You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I would like even faster food.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby