When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog