My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
You Might Also Like
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket