“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
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Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines