I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
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Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.