Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
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I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out