Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
haha same
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Still my favourite meme.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
mariah carrie
I think they could have phrased this better