*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.