detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit