St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
U talkin 2 me?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.