I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.