The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*