accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.