Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
There’s only one good girl here!
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Knock Knock
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe