If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
You Might Also Like
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Smells like a challenge to me
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.