“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
But that’s none of my business
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Just as the prophecy foretold
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
I love you to the refrigerator and back
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.