i will avenge u mr van gogh
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Remember folks 😂
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender