“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
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When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”