*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Don’t frighten the programmers!
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done