Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they鈥檙e taking her worries away so I figured I鈥檇 try, though it鈥檚 kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I can鈥檛 stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don鈥檛 really wanna join but I鈥檇 like to be asked
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Had to try this trend 馃槉
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.