I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
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How long do you have to wait between naps?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
some Old Testament wisdom
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists