One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*