Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*puts my mental health in rice
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle