In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
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The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.