Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.