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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages