Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You Might Also Like
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*