INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax