Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
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The opposite of goth is stopth.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My dog ate my work from home.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.